Fear Not

87e0f-blogtemberBlogtember Topic of the Day: A story about a time you were very afraid.

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
– Dr. Seuss

I remember this event occurred when I was 19 because I was still working for Nordstrom in Vancouver. I was living with my mom, my little brother, and my mom’s boyfriend, George, at the time. I was a stock boy for the store and there wasn’t very much stock that came in that morning, so I remember that I made it home a little before 9:30am. For some reason the bus dropped me off at the bus stop before my normal stop (which was right in front of my house). I got off anyway, then walked to the end of the block. As turned the corner, I remember it was a pretty cold day, so I had my head tucked down into my coat and was walking towards my house with my head fixated onto the pavement.

As I made it closer to the house, I raised my head to see why the bus might have skipped my stop. That’s when I saw the red and blue flashing lights, and approximately three police cars. To be quite honest I think there were a total of five, maybe six of them on both sides of the street. In my head, I wondered why they were on our street and who’s house they were in front of me. It then became very clear to me that they were in front of my house. I hastened my pace as I couldn’t imagine what had happened. Actually, I could, but I didn’t want to think about it.

Just as I was about to sneak past some officers I saw the front window had shattered and either a printer or a monitor laid on the front lawn. An officer saw me and immediately stopped me before I could see anything else. For all I knew, my little brother was at school, but I had no idea where my mom or where George was. I knew immediately that it was all because of him and I frantically asked the officer where my mom was. He didn’t answer my question and proceeded to ask me who I was and why I was there, and used his radio to relay information to someone that I lived at this location. I was furious and deathly afraid that something had happened to my mom at that time. Random scenarios poured through my mind of the worst possible scenarios, and I asked myself what I would tell my little brother when he got home. Honestly, words cannot describe how powerless I felt at that time. I was so mad and so afraid that my body started to tremble. The officer asked me if I was cold, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t feel anything, except for the uncontrollable trembling my whole body was experiencing. He then, opened the backseat of his police car and had me have a seat so that I might be able to “warm myself up”. While sitting back there, various people drove by and I could feel their eyes staring at me, as though I was the suspect. Even in the back of the police car, I continued to ask myself questions, and shiver uncontrollably.

Then, I saw George getting escorted by three police officers with his hands cuffed behind his back. I could then feel a rush of tears behind my eyes as I was still unaware of where my Mom was. Minutes later the officer came back to ask me if I had warmed up, and I couldn’t help but ask where my mom was as I stepped out of his police car. Much to my relief, he told me that she was fine, but proceeded to ask me questions about George. I could go on to tell you more about this traumatic day, but because writing this still triggers an emotional response in me, I believe it’s just easier to say that my Mom, little brother and I chose to leave that night and found asylum at my aunt, Marina’s house. Unfortunately, it had been about a week or so when my Mom decided that she wanted to go back; despite everything. I, however, chose to stay with my aunt, but my little brother didn’t have the same choice I did. Sadly, that day was the first day that tore me away from my family. I felt horrible that I could no longer be the ‘big brother’ I wanted to be for my little brother, but I knew that I couldn’t let myself continue down that path.

So as I sit here, with tears running down my face I just want to take the time to apologize to my little brother, Juan, as I always wanted to be there for him. I know that his life was much harder than it should have been as a child, and I can’t help but think of how things might have been different, perhaps better for him, had I stayed. I’m sorry if I made things harder for you, but know that I never loved you any less for my actions. I just knew Mom could provide for you more than I could have at the time. Despite all of what we’ve been through, I love you both with all of my heart. Wow. Enough of my blubbering. I never knew a blog entry could induce such an emotional response in me. Congratulations, Blogtember!