It never ceases to amaze me, how much I can learn about myself – even though I can feel as though I already know everything there is to know about: me. I crashed hard and fast tonight. Over the course of the past few months, I’ve felt drained of my spirit, my enthusiasm. Due to the ridiculous course load and stresses of life I experienced this last term, I couldn’t find an outlet that could help alleviate and replenish all of the energy, all of the patience, and my overall ability to empathize and sympathize appropriately. I was… am, truly burnt out.
Tonight my brother sent me text messages about having problems with his laptop and I couldn’t even give him the adequate amount of attention and patience that I’m willing to give other people. I was very short, very frank, and almost condescending at times. In the end, I told him that I didn’t know what else I could do, and I couldn’t help but notice the way I was reacting to his simple request for help. He then proceeded to tell me that he was sorry that he ‘messed up’ (by breaking his computer again), and my eyes welled-up with tears, as they are right now. I lost it, while texting my brother from my car, in the parking lot of LA Fitness. I blubbered like a baby, to put it bluntly.
Ever since I could remember, I’ve had a drive and a passion to help people. I enjoy it when people can rely and depend on me, but in this case – my very own brother couldn’t depend on me and it crushed me to my very core. I began to think about everyone that I care about, their problems and their situations, and how much I want to help them, but broke down even harder when I realized that I couldn’t. I can still feel a log in my throat that’s trying to hold back the waterworks as I type this…
It’s very difficult to explain this all, so rather than explain every aspect of my thought process to fill you in, I’m going to consider this a moment of reflection. The fact of the matter is that this is for my own awareness, more-so than to inform my readers….
Anyway, somehow I managed to calm myself down. I haven’t cried like that in years… not even when I heard my own grandmother (who I was quite close to) passed away. I’ve never been a fan of crying – whether it be by myself or in front of others’. Regardless, I came to the conclusion that although I focus so much on the happiness of others, I’ve been lacking in bringing myself happiness.
That isn’t the only case, however, as it became aware to me that a lot of people take advantage of people that are so willing to help. In the end, you just can’t help but feel used up, and all for the benefit of others, without any gain for one’s self. Interestingly, I feel as though my conscience always makes me aware of what’s right, what’s wrong; and beats me to a pulp if I ever opt to do what’s wrong, over what’s right. At times I ask myself how people can find it so easy to be selfish, and seek self-benefits over the benefit of others.
I believe that a part of this break down was due to not having an appropriate outlet. I remember previously it was going to the gym, working on artwork, going for a long drive, and visiting with friends; but due to my previous schedule this term… it was near-impossible to find time to my own self, that didn’t involve countless hours of school work. I feel as though I’m sulking and seeking self-pity at the moment, which is why I’ll probably prohibit comments on this piece, if I don’t password protect this entry.
I just got back from the gym not too long ago and I think that I’m ready for a full-night’s rest. Maybe tomorrow, I can just do nothing… I would prefer that than to write about all of these things that I thought about while I was at the gym, anyway.
I already feel somewhat refreshed, though. Interestingly, I’ve come to find that not too many people help to make me feel renewed and refreshed very often, but when I find them I can’t stop being around them. Maybe I just need to find some time during my spring break to surround myself by these great individuals.
Anyway, my eyelids are getting heavy, so I’ll take that as a sign. Good night.