I’ve been trying to blog for the longest time, but have had a severe case of writer’s block. For some reason, ideas and topics allude me, as I try to think of creative ways to express my thoughts. I’m not even entirely sure what it was that I even wanted to write about to begin with, but I believe that part of it is due to the fact that I’ve had a lot of things weighing on my mind. The simple fact that this blog is connected to my facebook and twitter accounts, makes me hesitant in writing and broadcasting certain events that occur in my life, so I often like to persuade myself into thinking that no one really reads these, except for a caring and privileged few.
I’m a very analytical person. I like to be organized, concise, swift at the decision-making and firm in my choices. I analyze every avenue of approach, think about consequences, ask myself whether the benefits outweigh the cons, and then draw some sort of conclusion. I’m not the type of person that likes to hear people begin or end a statement with “I think,” “Maybe,” “Probably,” or “I’m pretty sure.” Those all lead to doubt. If you’ve ever held a conversation with me, then you may notice that I refrain from using these terms to the best of my ability because I don’t believe I should spew things from my mouth that are untrue, wrong, or am unsure about. Naturally, however, as human beings, we have doubts, we’re wrong, and nothing is ever really absolute.
The only thing is that I truly despise in this world are liars. They have this ability to manipulate you in such a way that they can sound entirely confident in the things that they say, without spewing an ounce of doubt, but still be lying about everything.
I have a desire to be different. I have a desire to be unlike everyone else we brush shoulders with. I enjoy the feeling of being depended upon, but have an uncontrollable (for lack of a better word) fear of fully depending on others. For some reason it terrifies me. My mind is filled with logic, based on the experiences in my past and responses people make, and the actions they will/could/might make as a ripple effect. I’ve studied people from a distance, networked from inside and have even networked from outside. I’m well-aware of the social settings I place myself into, and quickly analyze personalities and responses people have to certain scenarios. Knowing people, knowing their intentions, knowing that everyone has individual selfish goals makes it difficult to trust people. At least in my perspective.
But then there are those who you can’t understand. People that can lead you to perceive them as something that their not, only to keep you from knowing who they really are. Those are the ones that often need you the most, but keep you away, because they-too understand how people work.
I don’t really know where this blog is going, but I needed something to write about that would cure my writer’s block. I believe I’ve found it.
More blogs to come before my spring term begins, on Monday.